Young Friends Arguments and using “I Feel” Statements when Talking

Tonight while the kids had friends over our youngest started to have arguments with one of her best friends. Well the first time I spoke with her friend and let her know what was going on. The second time I spoke with Ellie. We talked about words and how words make each of us feel including her friends. The third time her friend came complaining, this time I had both girls come in.

Reflecting back to a poster that was in the elementary school room for one of the teachers in CO I spoke with both girls about how their words may mean one thing to them and something else to another person.  The next thing we did was to use “I Feel” sentences with both kids.

First off, I had Ellie use her friends name and tell her how she felt when the two girls were acting like they were. Next, her friend used Ellie’s name first and let her know that she felt upset by Ellie using her name over and over. The argument was over Ellie trying to get her attention for something and her friend telling her sister something.

After both girls told each other what they disliked about what happened, I next had them both tell each other why liked being friends with each other. Within seconds instead of arguing they suddenly ran off giggling in search of whatever toy was so important to play with outside. After having both girls talk to each other using the “I Feel” statements they continued to play for another hour and a half without any further issues.

So why do these statements work so well to stop and prevent further arguments especially in children? Both children have the opportunity to discuss how they feel about what has happened. They talk about what and why they do not like the action. Using “I Feel” statements helps the children to focus on what happened not what their friend or sibling did or did not do. These work because each child involved takes turns talking and listening to each other. Because those involved are actively talking and listening the conflict is more likely to be resolved in a calm and peaceful manner.

Other communication skills that children can practice learning involve the difference between using a soft voice and style, loud voice and style, or thinking and sharing.

For example if children are arguing over crayons or markers while making and coloring pictures, the soft mannered child would not say a word. He or she would either get up and walk away leaving the project alone. The loud mannered child may throw a fit about the arguing and fighting, grab all the project supplies and either shove them aside or put everything away finished or not. The thinking and sharing child would try talking to the other kids or get an adult for help so they can finish the project.

While none of these basic conflict resolution styles is wrong or correct, each approach will produce different results and possibly different consequences. As children are learning they can be asked with different attempts to fix and resolve problems, they can be asked question to help them reflect and share.

What happened?

Do you know what style you used? Soft, Loud, or Thinking and Sharing

After you tried the ___style, what happened?

Were you able to fix or help fix the problem?

As these styles are practiced, children will better recognize what style they are using, and what style will be best in different situations. In addition, they may soon see that one style is not always the right choice to fix every conflict they will encounter.

In the situation of the girls, the soft style of simply walking away was not enough. The loud style was escalating the arguments, and the girls needed help to think and share using “I Feel” statements. One they thought, shared, listened, and found out what was really going on the “conflict” they felt was getting so bad, suddenly was defused and they were once again best friends and laughing, giggling, sharing, and playing.