Looking back to August 24th and month that has passed

Looking back to my long and stressful week that started up on August 24th when my body strted freaking out and perlplexed the dr's, has turned into a long and stressful month. This past month has been quite the emotional roller coaster for sure.

What I am about to say I had NO intention of sharing publicly for months if at all. However, Saturday night right after family prayer Frank decided it was time to share some news with the kids that rocked all of our worlds and has left me with much to ponder.

If you are not familiar with the issues leading up to this point you need to go back through the archives and read what happened during that long and stressful week posted on the 24th.

6 years ago on May 24th, 2005, I was diagnosed with a very rare form of sweat gland based cancer that is very aggressive. However, I very blessed with the location and timing of the original dignosis because the tumor was in the early stage, on my ear lobe and in the ear canal, and had NOT yet passed through my ear drum. The surgery was able to get clean margins and I was able to avoid chemo and radiation. This was another blessing as the combination required would have killed our littest princess. This little princess who herself through many miracles has beat many odds and is a thriving and vibrant child even with all her complex medical issues.

Well here I am once again facing the threat of cancer. I was NOT going to say a word about this as the cancer is only highly suspicious, meaning it may or may not be a threat. However, because I have 6 children who do not seem to understand the concept of "mom does not want this talked about," and have already told some. And my husband has also told others I felt I needed to write this out as well. Partly because I need to face the fact that this is threat is very real and one I really wish I were looking at facing once again.

I have been told I am in denial of accepting that this threat is real, and that is likely true as I do not want to face this fear again. I tried to keep this from the kids and not let them know until we knew more. However, it is getting harder because everytime I have one test, I have to have one or two more tests.

They are also asking why I have to see dr's in Tuscon not here at the clinic like they can. They ask why I am in pain all the time and do not have the energy to home school them this year. They ask why cleaning one room, cooking one meal, running a few errands, makes me exhausted and I just fall asleep in the middle of helping them with homework. They worry about how little I have been eating for a month now and why I can't eat more than a few bites.

I know Frank meant well in telling the kids. However, I was not prepared for when he told them. I had no clue he was going to tell them. This caused me to have an emotional breakdown and this still bothers me because I still do not understand the reaction I had.

What I was the least prepared for was my 9 yr old's question. He asked "what happens if the cancer wins this time?" Trying to reasure the kids this question most of all hit me like a ton of bricks. This made me realize that the kids really are more concerned than I had realized.